Crapity crap!

Fucking shitty week! Honestly was, and today I just feel nauseous and churned up with all the pent up anger and frustration.
Work got to me... Not doing enough apparently.
Then the Battalion Wives Xmas party was a boring and embarrassing affair. Took a guest with me, from another Regt, and we pretty much got blanked by most people, apart from a few of my nicer 'friends'. 7 yrs I've been fucking married to the army and felt like it was my first ever do it was that bad.
The entertainment was pretty shit too, a raffle & disco, oh and not forgetting a chance for all the wives to have their picture taken with my husband dressed as Santa! Yeah that was really pleasant for me, thanks UWO for getting him to do that. In fact I left early as really didn't want to witness drunken wives draping themselves over him..... Very embarrassing.
So yes a top night, NOT.
And guess what... Husband's had to go back in and tidy place up today! Wonderful.
That's it, finally had enough of the 'wives club'.

Normal - By Charlie Fox at Letters to Nowhere

Head Mess

It never seems to be organised in there... my head that is.
For years now hormones I think have been playing up there, making me confused, upset, sad, happy, flirty and sometimes just plain sad. I don't know what's going on. Decided to visit the Doctors, and yes my estrogen is low. But I'm assuming there must be a huge boost of it, while I'm having my period, as that seems to be the only time I feel half decent, unconfused and nice and flirty.  The rest of the time I just feel downright bored, scared and every now and again anxious and panicky. I lose all interest in everything, going out, being with friends, work, even enjoying a hobby. Then I start to panic about illness, something wrong with me, get headaches, stomach aches, constant neckache.
There's nothing really that can be done, as replacing some of the lost estrogen with pills will interfere with other medication I take.  I've wondered if it's early menopause, as I've never had this much hormonal imbalance before, only over the last few years. The Doctor seemed to dismiss this straight away, and I've already been checked for polycystic ovaries and it's not that.  So I'm just left hanging in there, getting on with it.
The worst part for the OH... my sex drive most of the month is pretty much zero, not even a flicker... just feel too tired and unsexy, the thought never even crosses my mind.  It's fucking things up big style as far as the reltionship goes, and there just seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. We just seem to exist together, I love him to bits, but he just misses the closeness we used to have, and I've no idea where it's gone or how I can get it back, I don't miss it as such.. I just don't even realise it's gone. Somewhere there has to be some answers, something to make me happy again, less angry, less irritable and more me, the old me from about 15 yrs ago.

Choosing Your Own Destiny

It's been a tragic weekend, with deaths in Norway and the recent news about Amy Winehouse.  But One thing that struck me, is although any death is tragic, the fact that Amy Winehouse chose her own destiny, I find it very hard to feel sadness for her. Of course for her family and good friends it's a terrible loss and I do have sympathy for them. But in life you make your own choices where possible and someone with her talent and money, you would think that with the life she was gifted, meant that she had far more opportunity than most to turn her life around and make the best for herself. It appears she came from a normal background and didn't have too bad a start in life, with caring parents, something that not everyone of her age could boast.  Yet some of the most desolate and unfortunate people who've lost their way in life, still manage to turn their lives around. I consider her actions pretty self centred, as despite the help offered and knowing there was support there, she just pleased herself and didn't think of the pain she caused others, and the fact she had the money to pretty much do whatever she wanted, she chose to just carry on regardless. I guess at least now she's at peace from any pain. As for those poor young people who died in Norway... they had their lives ahead of them, and were never given any life choice on that fateful day.

Homesick

This time of year everyone is getting ready to go off on holiday. Not me, got the time off, just not going anywhere, not even back to UK. I miss it when I know I'm not going back for a while, friends, family the whole getting to see people face to face and having a good old catch up. Just the whole relaxation from the experience I'm sure would do me good. I've never felt so adamant about wanting a trip home.
I feel very lonely at the moment, bored and just generally lethargic!

Panic!

What's wrong with me, keep getting hot flushes & panics today. Started last night. Driving me mad, as no idea why. Must be a hormone thing, it's not very pleasant tho, wish they would stop, just need to try and chill maybe, but even then they happen. They happen sometimes before my period, but these one's are after, so that's the confusing thing. Hope they calm down before work tomorrow.

Scratching The Itch

Caught me at work this time! I put my Messenger on, basically because I left my phone at home.  But unsuspecting me got caught by Fling.  A pleasant surprise as I'd not heard anything in a while and always good to know he's doing alright.  But FFS, I should have known better than to try and hold a decent conversation.  It's not about decent conversations, it's about the indecent ones! I try to think of all the sayings that describe the situation and condition I find myself with.
He is a bit like an itch that you can't stop scratching. You think it's gone, then right when you're feeling more relaxed, more calm it's back and causing you grief.
Or you could compare him with a theme park ride... you know you shouldn't and it will be scary, you'll feel sick, but you'll have to keep going again, and again because the adrenalin rush it gives you is just so amazing.
I wonder if there is any type of patch to break the addiction?... will I end up having to go cold turkey?

Best Before

After clicking on my own links to other blogs, appears I do need to find some new one's and not link to ones which haven't been updated since last year.

David Cameron Stole My Aunt's Cat.......

British soldier gets forces' first bionic arm

London, Feb 19 (IANS) A British soldier, who lost his arm in a grenade attack in Afghanistan, has become the country's first military amputee to be fitted with a bionic arm............ Read More

Decisions

Life is full of them, and they always seem to be difficult.
Well, I've made it, I'm going to stay where I am, as long as I can get a slightly bigger house! That sounds really selfish, but it's not.  Well not entirely, I just want to be able to see more of my family and friends, and the MQ we have at the moment just isn't big enough.

Staying here after getting my hopes up isn't so bad afterall, hopefully I'll get to keep my job and with any luck, if we get the house we need all will be good.  If we don't get the house we need... then what.  My first thought was to just think oh fuck it, I'll go back to the UK on my own, although this would me staying with my parents until I could get settled... that could take someone like me a fucking age!

As for Fling... I've not mentioned the new plan to him.  To be honest the thought scares me, in fact I might be better of staying here because there is less chance of me being given the opportunity to meet up with him again.  That said, last time we emailed he was more than happy to make an effort to come and see me.  I think maybe that was just op tour boredom talking though.
I do concern myself with him a bit too much sometimes, I don't know whether it's because I worry about him at the moment, or if it's because feelings are going deeper, but I think it's just naughty excitement, a break from reality. Whatever the case, I know deep down he's a wanker, he's already shitting on his current girlfriend by keeping in contact with me.  So not the kind of guy you would give up anything for.... apart from a bored night when you have nothing better to do.