Normal - By Charlie Fox at Letters to Nowhere

Head Mess

It never seems to be organised in there... my head that is.
For years now hormones I think have been playing up there, making me confused, upset, sad, happy, flirty and sometimes just plain sad. I don't know what's going on. Decided to visit the Doctors, and yes my estrogen is low. But I'm assuming there must be a huge boost of it, while I'm having my period, as that seems to be the only time I feel half decent, unconfused and nice and flirty.  The rest of the time I just feel downright bored, scared and every now and again anxious and panicky. I lose all interest in everything, going out, being with friends, work, even enjoying a hobby. Then I start to panic about illness, something wrong with me, get headaches, stomach aches, constant neckache.
There's nothing really that can be done, as replacing some of the lost estrogen with pills will interfere with other medication I take.  I've wondered if it's early menopause, as I've never had this much hormonal imbalance before, only over the last few years. The Doctor seemed to dismiss this straight away, and I've already been checked for polycystic ovaries and it's not that.  So I'm just left hanging in there, getting on with it.
The worst part for the OH... my sex drive most of the month is pretty much zero, not even a flicker... just feel too tired and unsexy, the thought never even crosses my mind.  It's fucking things up big style as far as the reltionship goes, and there just seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. We just seem to exist together, I love him to bits, but he just misses the closeness we used to have, and I've no idea where it's gone or how I can get it back, I don't miss it as such.. I just don't even realise it's gone. Somewhere there has to be some answers, something to make me happy again, less angry, less irritable and more me, the old me from about 15 yrs ago.

Choosing Your Own Destiny

It's been a tragic weekend, with deaths in Norway and the recent news about Amy Winehouse.  But One thing that struck me, is although any death is tragic, the fact that Amy Winehouse chose her own destiny, I find it very hard to feel sadness for her. Of course for her family and good friends it's a terrible loss and I do have sympathy for them. But in life you make your own choices where possible and someone with her talent and money, you would think that with the life she was gifted, meant that she had far more opportunity than most to turn her life around and make the best for herself. It appears she came from a normal background and didn't have too bad a start in life, with caring parents, something that not everyone of her age could boast.  Yet some of the most desolate and unfortunate people who've lost their way in life, still manage to turn their lives around. I consider her actions pretty self centred, as despite the help offered and knowing there was support there, she just pleased herself and didn't think of the pain she caused others, and the fact she had the money to pretty much do whatever she wanted, she chose to just carry on regardless. I guess at least now she's at peace from any pain. As for those poor young people who died in Norway... they had their lives ahead of them, and were never given any life choice on that fateful day.

Homesick

This time of year everyone is getting ready to go off on holiday. Not me, got the time off, just not going anywhere, not even back to UK. I miss it when I know I'm not going back for a while, friends, family the whole getting to see people face to face and having a good old catch up. Just the whole relaxation from the experience I'm sure would do me good. I've never felt so adamant about wanting a trip home.
I feel very lonely at the moment, bored and just generally lethargic!

Panic!

What's wrong with me, keep getting hot flushes & panics today. Started last night. Driving me mad, as no idea why. Must be a hormone thing, it's not very pleasant tho, wish they would stop, just need to try and chill maybe, but even then they happen. They happen sometimes before my period, but these one's are after, so that's the confusing thing. Hope they calm down before work tomorrow.

Scratching The Itch

Caught me at work this time! I put my Messenger on, basically because I left my phone at home.  But unsuspecting me got caught by Fling.  A pleasant surprise as I'd not heard anything in a while and always good to know he's doing alright.  But FFS, I should have known better than to try and hold a decent conversation.  It's not about decent conversations, it's about the indecent ones! I try to think of all the sayings that describe the situation and condition I find myself with.
He is a bit like an itch that you can't stop scratching. You think it's gone, then right when you're feeling more relaxed, more calm it's back and causing you grief.
Or you could compare him with a theme park ride... you know you shouldn't and it will be scary, you'll feel sick, but you'll have to keep going again, and again because the adrenalin rush it gives you is just so amazing.
I wonder if there is any type of patch to break the addiction?... will I end up having to go cold turkey?

Best Before

After clicking on my own links to other blogs, appears I do need to find some new one's and not link to ones which haven't been updated since last year.

David Cameron Stole My Aunt's Cat.......

British soldier gets forces' first bionic arm

London, Feb 19 (IANS) A British soldier, who lost his arm in a grenade attack in Afghanistan, has become the country's first military amputee to be fitted with a bionic arm............ Read More

Decisions

Life is full of them, and they always seem to be difficult.
Well, I've made it, I'm going to stay where I am, as long as I can get a slightly bigger house! That sounds really selfish, but it's not.  Well not entirely, I just want to be able to see more of my family and friends, and the MQ we have at the moment just isn't big enough.

Staying here after getting my hopes up isn't so bad afterall, hopefully I'll get to keep my job and with any luck, if we get the house we need all will be good.  If we don't get the house we need... then what.  My first thought was to just think oh fuck it, I'll go back to the UK on my own, although this would me staying with my parents until I could get settled... that could take someone like me a fucking age!

As for Fling... I've not mentioned the new plan to him.  To be honest the thought scares me, in fact I might be better of staying here because there is less chance of me being given the opportunity to meet up with him again.  That said, last time we emailed he was more than happy to make an effort to come and see me.  I think maybe that was just op tour boredom talking though.
I do concern myself with him a bit too much sometimes, I don't know whether it's because I worry about him at the moment, or if it's because feelings are going deeper, but I think it's just naughty excitement, a break from reality. Whatever the case, I know deep down he's a wanker, he's already shitting on his current girlfriend by keeping in contact with me.  So not the kind of guy you would give up anything for.... apart from a bored night when you have nothing better to do.

Fuck!!

Back again, after another long absence.  I do use this just to let off steam when I'm fucked off with something, I can assure you.

Well there I was looking forward to a nice trip back to the UK for two years, but once again OH has been manipulated by his unit into possibly staying in our overseas posting!
I'm right hacked off, 7 years I've been following him round, doing what he wants, I knew that army life was going to be like this, but that was before I had a seizure, which I thought may change things, but clearly not. He fed me lots of talk about putting the family first from now on..... nope, still the army.

Maybe things wouldn't be so bad if I could drive, but I've still got over 6 months to wait before I can apply to get my license back, since the seizure. I've lost so much independence without it, it may seem like such a small thing to people who don't or never have had a license or the need to drive.  But when you've spent the last 14 years driving, it's like a big part of your freedom has been taken away.  Public transport is fair enough, but in a foreign country, buses only every 30 minutes, not stopping where you need them to. Oh fuck I could just whinge on!

The bottom line is, I really wanted to go home, he really wants to stay. I'm bored, have lost a lot of friends since my seizure, have had to reduce to part time work.  He's enjoying his work, still has plenty of friends.  So there are a number of options: I stay, carry on feeling miserable and resenting him. We all go back, he hates his job, is miserable and resents me. I go back on my own, get a new job, more childcare options, my own money, save money, he stays behind keeps his enjoyable job, saves money and we see each other a few times a month, not that he'll care because he'll have all his mates around, I'll have mine and all will be well.

Oh for fucks sake!! I fucking hate the army sometimes.

PS. Fling is doing ok in Afghan and keeps in touch via email.

Bad cold

Always the way, feel like shit today, had a cold all weekend, feel no better today, just tired & full of snot and chesty cough. Took a day off work, but need to go back tomorrow, although will be pissing about trying to get from one location to another. OH is away tonight, gone on a fishing trip. He hates fishing, but someone is leaving the department, and that was their leaving party of choice!

MFM

I never got round to posting something about my OH having an fling years ago, admitting it, and then telling me to do the same. Well he did and I did. Only problem has been that his fling was a mate, who now never really talks to him, mine was a guy I got chatting to online and turned out he lived nearby, we've continued chatting. I think that my said fling has now got married tho, he's not bothered mentioning this, but is still chatting to me.... wonder if his new wife knows? Thankfully my OH knows that I still talk to fling.

If two people in a relationship are open, honest, agree and want the same thing, is it wrong for them have flings with others, or bring a 3rd person into the bedroom?
Do most relationships fail, when a person cheats, lies and covers things up?
Do men or even women,think "It's ok for me to do it, but I don't want my partner to"?
Also, how come it always seems more acceptable to talk about FMF fun, than MFM fun? Men seem to have the monopoly on bragging about themselves and two women, yet poor young girl is just a slut for even thinking about having two guys!

Going back to fling, who is a soldier, turns out he's now in Afghanistan. Hope he stays safe.

Lazy

For fucks sake, I'm useless at keeping up to date with my blog, in fact am totally surprised I managed to guess my email and password correctly to get back into this.
I will try and make my entries more frequent, which could also be possible as I now only work part time. This is thanks to a medical episode I had a while ago. Collapsed at home, worked too hard and was too stressed, bought on some kind of seizure we think (we... as in me, the hospital and the OH).
I'm not sure what else has happened since the last entry, nothing of note... well been having a few ups and downs with the OH, no not the kind of sexy up and downs, far from it, quite the opposite which has caused the problems, and all my fault, but then I think that is down to the stress, and possibly the fact that I've discovered a strong attraction to women... I say strong, but it;s always been there, it just feels like now I'm older it's easier to deal with, and understand. But it hasn't helped that I've no idea how to actually go out and try and find a nice girl to hang out with. I'll be working on that online, and trying not to get embroiled in dodgy sex sites where I get hassled by men!

I feel knackered, my eyes are so tired! Managed to get the dog out for a walk, so he's nice and chilled, the little'un is asleep, thankfully. Driving me insane, had to escape upstairs and have a cry. I must be doing something wrong... but what is the right thing to do? Reasoning just won't work and I don't want to give in the for quiet life, because then you just turn your kids into brats (like a friend of mine). Dad's away at the moment, so maybe thats the problem?

Soldier from 3 RIFLES killed near Sangin on 6 March

James Bulger's mum Denise Fergus meets Jack Straw - mirror.co.uk

James Bulger's mum Denise Fergus meets Jack Straw - mirror.co.uk

Protect James's family.. not killers

I wonder why these two boys were ever allowed out. Could 2 kids who did something so horrific ever be rehabilitated? I doubt it very much. If kids could have that much hate, cruelty and lack of compassion, surely there would always be something in the back of their mind which could once again snap?
It seems if recent reports are correct this is exactly what's happened, all the support and use of tax payers money to give these two a safe and secure life, what a kick in the teeth that was for the Bulger family. Now one of them has once again done something, as yet we know not what,and proved that they should have stayed where they belong... behind bars. I don't believe in this rehabilitation nonsense. I'm sorry, but if you do the crime, expect to do the time. Justice in the UK is just laughable sometimes, there is such a liberal sympathetic attitude to people who realistically should be punished, for what they do to others. Where is the support for the victims?

James Bulger 16 Mar 1990 to 12 Feb 1993

Supernanny

What makes her an expert? Does she have kids? I find her so patronising. She comes along for a week, tells you what to do, dissapears then comes back and tells you where you've gone wrong. I think she'd have to put me on the naughty step after I punched her in the face!
Ok, so I admit that some of her techniques work, but she's so annoying and such a know it all!

I do also wonder though why do people have so many kids... if they find it hard to cope?

Bedtime

Don't really feel tired, but know I need to get to sleep as I'll be up with the sunrise in the morning... calls of I'm hungry and face being licked by the dog. Go to bed and watch a bit of telly then.